Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Life

My kids are my world, and for real I can really say with out them I have no idea where I would be today. It has been hurting me knowing that I am not with any of their dads, because I didn't have my dad in my life while growing up and I just wonder if things would have been different. I always look at it like this, I have 2 kids with one person and when I was with hm things just went down hill after we married. I didn't feel happy or loved and I didn't know how to make my kids happy if I couldn't be happy with myself, so I left.

Now with my youngest that is a different story... along one. I was with my youngest child's dad for a year, not long but it felt like it. I fell head over heals for him. He did nothing but treat my like crap and I still loved him with all my heart. He had a lot on his plate such as a baby momma that would not leave us alone. She liked to start drama and make things difficult. Got to the point where she would make him do things just so he could get his kids. So I went a whole year with him cheating on me, yea I was hurt so I did the same thing once because I did later find out that he was doing this because she told me I didn't want to believe it but it all made sense to why it would take along time to get his kids. Well after all was said and done we split up for a little bit. When we got back together things seemed better than ever. We even talked about having a baby. Well I got pregnant and I was SO happy, I ran and told him that the test came back that I was. He wasn't happy at all in fact he told me to get an abortion. WHAT, I couldn't believe he was say such a thing. But yea I went to the clinic a couple times to see about getting it done, every time I went something happened, like my truck wouldn't work or they didn't accept the payment that I was gonna provide. So I took that as a sign, that I couldn't do this. I never wanted to this but I loved him and I thought that was the only way to keep him. He told me that If I didn't get the abortion that he would cause me to have a miscarriage, I led him to believe that I was going to get it. When I finally came out and told him that I was not going to go threw with it that I couldn't live with myself if I did. He left, he left me when I was 2 months prego and went back to his ex girlfriend which was his baby momma!

After he left I was crushed, I would call her (his baby momma) and she would always tell me she had no idea where he was. But she knew, he was with her. I believe that was there way to try and get me to have a miscarriage. So I stopped calling them and I went on with my life, not in a good way. I was hurt, torn apart so I turned to the only thing I thought would make me feel better....(not drugs) I did this for a month. Then I meant someone, he was amazing. After being with the guy a meant for a month, he started to take on a loving feeling to my belly and it just went from there. He got me out of me feeling sorry for myself to realizing what I was doing to my baby, I cried for a good week because I knew what I did was wrong but I didn't know any other way. Threw out my pregnancy I was so worried that I did something to my unborn child. Thanks god everything was ok and she was healthy when she was born.

My new baby need insurance right, well I sign her up to get some threw the state, well they wanted to know who her dad was. I had no choice but to tell them even though he once told me if I had the baby he wanted NOTHING to do with her that he had 2 kids already. So I had to track him down. I knew where he probably was so we go out there to let him know that I had the baby and to find out his address so the courts could take action on child support. I get out there to find his girlfriend and she tells me he is not there ok fine. She asked me if she could see the baby (I don't know why I let her since she told me my baby was gonna have 3 eyes and be all deformed) I told her yea, she fell in the ditch crying say "oh my god oh my god, she looks just like him" We sat for like 10 mins and we leave later to get a phone call from her. She had to leave a voice mail because I didn't have service where I was at and I listen to her voice mail and was just in shock. She said that she had talked to him (my baby's dad) and he said to just have him (my boyfriend) sign the baby birth certificate. I wish It was that easy. Well anyways the courts finally caught up to him for the child support and he wanted to have a DNA test done, ok fine whatever I know she is yours. We do that and he does find out the truth that she is his. Even after that it took a good month before he wanted to see her. I would not allow him to take my daughter out of my sight so he agreed (which I am very thankful for) to see his daughter in my home or we would go out to his place so he could see her and spend time with her. A couple years went by doing this and it was working out great.

Now that he gets her every other week, of course after them couple years so she could warm up to him and get to know the situation and stuff. My daughter got to the age to where she did want to go with her dad and that's what I waited for, I wanted her to make that choice if she wanted to go to her dads by herself with out momma being there. I wanted to wait for that because I wanted her to feel comfortable so she could have a good time instead of feeling out of place or just upset. Couple more years go by and my daughter can actually understand and she repeats things be said :( I was not happy hearing the things she was telling me. I am not the type to drill my kids on what happen at their dads, I just ask if they had a good time with their dad and was it fun and that time of things. I don't care what happen out to their dads ya know as long as my kids had fun and was happy and safe then that's all that matters to me. Well anyways getting that said, my daughter would come home and tell me certain things and I brushed it off, I am also not the type to start things, I hate drama and I wanted to avoid it. But now its to the point I cant avoid it any more.

Ok I'm not gonna say any names so I will just stick with Daddy's girlfriend.

My daughter has told me in the past that "Daddy's girlfriend told me that the daddy that lives here with us is not my dad that he is my step dad", I didn't know what to tell her she is 4 years old, so I just told her "well baby he is not really your real dad but he has been with us since you was in momma's belly and he was there when you was born, I told he is not your blood daddy but he is still your daddy". You know I feel is was NOT her place to tell MY daughter that. Then on a Sunday about a month ago she was at her dads and his girlfriend called asking if she could stay a little longer cuz her dad wanted to spend more time with her and have a cook out, I said yea no problem at all. I kept asking what time you want me there, what time. She never gave me a straight answer so I choose a time. Considering it was already 1:00pm I figure 5 o clock would have been more than enough time and she was fine with it. We I get out there I pick her and on our way home I ask "so did you guys have a good cook out did you eat a lot" She goes "no we didn't have a cook out" I was "like awe baby im sorry well how come" she says "cuz of you, cuz you wouldn't let me" You know I had no idea what to say she was so angry with me. I just told her " awe baby girl no it is not because of me, I told daddy when I was gonna be here, I am so sorry you didn't get to have a cook out" She was mad at me all the way home. Another thing she told me was just yesterday she goes "daddy's girlfriend said your lazy" I had to ask her again because I didn't believe what she had just told me then she tried to make me think no it was me momma I said I tried tell her baby you don't have to lie to momma its ok. I sat her down and I tried explaining to her that what her Daddy's girlfriend has been saying is not ok and it hurts people feelings I told momma don't say anything bad about them, i said there is nothing to say bad and I just kinda left it at that because I know she don't understand. I went outside and just started crying.

I don't say anything bad about my daughters dad or his girlfriend and kids to her, its not my place to judge them and especially say things bad to my daughter about them. His whole family can not stand this women they say she brain washes him and this and that. One time she called me and we was talking about something and she goes "Samara told me that you told her that she cant love me" I was Like "WHAT umm no I no she didn't say that" "what are you calling me a liar" "ummm yea because I no my daughter did not tell you that why because I have NEVER said that, its only gonna hurt and confuse her so no I never said that and yes you are a liar" she was not to happy with me after that. I just don't no what to do about the whole thing, I am at a loss right now. I don't want to keep my daughter away from her dad but I also do not want her getting brain washed about bad things about me or anything else for that matter.


Yea I'm not good at writing so its kinda all over the place lol :) there is way more to this story just said the basics, and whats been bothering me!! Thanks.

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2 comments:

Jammie said...

Life sucks, just know I love you! And we can be lazy together. You are the best momma your kids could ever want, and they know it. Don't let TPT get you down. I am hoping to one day be home, might be 5 years from now, (hey least then we can go hang out together and the kids will be old enough to watch themselves) HAHA just had to make ya laugh.

Ericka said...

Yea I am trying not to let it bring me down, just hurts cuz I know in my heart I didn't do anything to her for her to talk like that about me. I don't trash talk her one bit. In fact I do things to make it easier for her =\

I cant wait till you do come home, it has been way to long, i love and miss you so much!! ((hugs)) and thanks for always being there for me, I love you!

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